Still The Prettiest A drag Queen's tale
by Evil Ballerina
Summary: Frank is complaining about being non existent despite the fact that he exsists in oblivion. Columbia comes up with the idea to time warp to go back in time to stop their deaths and Rocky has become a professional cross dresser.
1. Bittersweet Transvestite

_DISCLAIMER: Despite the fact that the Evil Ballerina is technically still a Rocky Horror Virgin (meaning she hasn't gone to a live showing) her extensive knowledge of the film and infatuation of Tim Curry in drag has caused her to do something she thought she would never do…write fan Fiction. So here's the technicalities: The Evil Ballerina did not create the characters used and exploited in the story below. She is not getting paid for this, ("THANK GOD!" murmurs a random negative Critic negative Critic smashed up wall) this story is totally voluntary. The Evil Ballerina wants to thank the imaginative soul who thought up this musical and the screenplay wrights who made this into a movie. Now onwards with the story…_  
  
(WRITER'S COMMENTARY: This is written through the eyes of Frankenfurter…just so you know)  
  
Brad and Janet. What a lovely couple, though I must admit I think they could have loosened up a bit. Brad, the perfect specimen of compensating for smirk something lacking in his anatomy, was a tad to forceful for my taste. I like my men submissive and muscular. Brad was just too …scrawny to put it nicely. Then there was Janet, a sweet naïve Brunette/Redhead, obviously taught that Man's word is law. I like that in a woman. smirks yet again Yes, I knew them. Haven't contacted them in years, mainly being that I was blasted into oblivion. Can't complain really, nice place Oblivion is, I can even smile here without my face hurting wretchedly.   
  
BUT THOSE TRAITORS! HOW DARE THEY! Riff Raff and Magenta, my SERVANTS, betrayed me and doomed me to non existence. Blasted me with one of my own weapons. The lot of them shall pay. At least Columbia and Rocky are here by my side. Ever since we quote unquote "died", Columbia has been nagging and nagging me. She won't shut up! Or she's tap dancing constantly. OR still, she's doing both at the same time! I never really recalled when I sent for a multi tasking sex - er I mean, groupie. She is beginning to annoy me severely. Rocky too, has lost his charm. He's taken to thinking that he is the better cross dresser, so he's been prancing around like a little git in the corset and high heels I made for him in the floor show. And of course, all the other oblivion souls like him better. Why wouldn't they? After all, I made him to be perfect, blonde hair, blue eyes, muscles, tan, illiterate and unable to speak. The perfect man.  
  
A little TOO perfect.  
  
I don't know what happened. First Riff Raff and Magenta were loyal and submissive and loving. They obeyed my every wish, and Riff Raff made the best human filet minion I've had in a long time. Magenta did a marvelous restoration project in the laboratory. Then, Poof. Loyalty no more. Instead they got power hungry, and became sick disgusting sadists bent on destroying all that I've worked for. I shall never forget it.   
  
Was it because I was a bit of a sadist? True, I did like being in control and that whip and leather jacket gave me such a rush of power and arousal…I couldn't help myself. Rocky's "birth" did the same to me. Seeing his sweaty flesh bend and contract with every push up and barbell lift he did made me go weak in the knees. Then that Janet whore ruined it, turned him straight, showed him the love of a woman.   
  
Don't know why, she really isn't that good in bed. More of a klutz than anything.  
  
Brad wasn't that better.  
  
Come to think of it, Rocky just kind of lied there.  
  
Oh well. Non existence goes by and hopefully I'll forget all this ever happened.  
  
_(Italics, you know what this means: It means either Author Commentary or the end of a story. And since I don't have anything really interesting to talk about, I'm assuming that this means the chapter is over. Until next time! The Evil Ballerina)_


	2. But I'M the Mad Scientist with The Splen...

DISCLAIMER: I like Cheese, oh and this story doesn't belong to me. Well the story does, the characters don't. I'm just using them for my sins of the flesh. evil grinEvil Ballerina. OH OH OH! Wait a minute! I would like to dedicate this chapter to Birdie rum rum, she helped me with all this. So thank her if you like this, send her nasty little hate mails filled with toads if you don't. Either way it's her fault.  
  
Rocky is still frolicking like an idiot. I am beginning to regret using Eddie's Brain. Sure, he was musically talented and had a certain knack for keeping Columbia subdued, but other than that…useless..  
  
"Eddie? EDDIE?'' Columbia shrieks, "WHERE?''  
  
The thing about being In non existence, you have no privacy to think to yourself. It's like your mind is open, and anyone can just sneak a peek if they really want to.   
  
"There is No Eddie." I snap back at her. She starts crying.  
  
I feel awful, really I do. In a freakish, compassionate way.  
  
Not like me one bit. Personally I'm frightened.  
  
This oblivion is really beginning to warp my mind. I mean, first I start thinking about how I should have actually made Rocky intelligent and now I'm feeling compassion. I'm not sure I like this feeling. All warm and mushy inside, sort of like when Magenta laced my corset too tight. No, I don't like this feeling at all. At best it feels like a really weak orgasm.   
  
And No one likes weak orgasms, now do they?  
  
"Urgh! Ug, AUURAGH!"  
  
"Rocky, quiet please. Mommy's trying to think"  
  
Stupid git, he started ripping at my one of a kind, made it myself sequin hand beaded garter. Bastard, he should know by now no one messes with my ehem, intimate day wear apparel.   
  
"ROCKY! Don't force me to make yet another Bridal Suite!"  
  
I love threats, he stopped immediately. Damn, there goes the feeling of instantly regretting again.  
  
"Rocky, I didn't mean it like that. Honestly sweetums, not one bit. Want to cuddle"  
  
"Urgh"  
  
"Fine then, be that way. I made you Rocky! And Cared for you, not to mention I made that corset especially for you-" "ARUAGH!" "Yes, the feathered boa too"  
  
I shaked my head and went searching for some fresh smirk blood, you might say. Though it would be hard to find some in such a small place like this non existence.   
  
"Frank!"  
  
Stupid Columbia.  
  
Stupid, Stupid girl.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"The time Warp!"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"It warps time"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So...we can go back in time before we were blasted to non existence!"  
  
"You know for once, you slightly make sense"  
  
"So get Rocky!"  
  
"Must we?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Fine"  
  
The time warp, why didn't I think of that before? Aren't I supposed to be the mad genius alien scientist? She's just supposed to be a groupie. A red headed helium voiced tap dancing fanatic groupie. I suppose in oblivion, stereotypical roles are reversed somehow.  
  
This is really starting to confuse me entirely. 


	3. Time Warping isn't what you think it is

_DISCLAIMER: Yada Yada Yada…and all that Jazz! Sings like a crazy person I do not own these characters, nor doooo IIII really_ _waaaant tooo!   
  
I'm just a girl, a freakish teenage girl, with a cross dressing infatuatioon! Stops singing as she eyes the angry mob Okay, okay I'll stop singing. These characters do not belong to me or anybody else really. They belong to a corporation. A big machine over in Hollywood. For shame, I havemuch more uses for them than that blasted executives. Honestly I do.  
  
In fact it Involves a Floor Show EVIL GRIN_

"ROCKY?! ROCKY?!"  
  
After searching oblivion for I don't know, around 5 minutes, I decided to find Columbia again. "He wasn't here"   
  
I said triumphantly. She looked at me and scowled, ''GO FIND HIM!" Wait, I'm honest to God confused…who's supposed   
  
to be the whorish groupie in this relationship?  
  
Then Again, I'm no longer the evil genius either  
Or the Prettiest Cross Dresser  
  
So maybe I AM the whorish groupie in the relationship.  
  
OH GOD!  
  
"UG"   
  
Undoubtedly, Rocky. He walked out from behind some random non existing rocks and looked at us. ''Gah" he spoke  
  
"ROCKY!"  
  
"Oh god! Can't you talk without sounding like you're on helium or something?"  
  
"Well EXCUSE ME! I didn't know I was soooo unwanted"  
  
"gah"  
  
"Shut up ROCKY!" We both scream.  
  
Rocky stands there, his oh so masculine lips trembling. Aww, so cute. It makes me just want to lean in and kiss him so --  
  
"It's just a jump to the left"  
  
"what?"  
  
"The time warp."  
  
"Oh…that"  
  
I grab Rocky's hand and the three of us proceed to do the Time Warp. I smile, remembering the party I had, sure it was the same night as my erm…death, but oh god! The joy! The sensuality! Besides, I'm sure that a few of my guests vanished into another time or dimension…   
  
Some people are just to fanatical when it comes to folk dancing.

Honestly.  
  
"Okay, now the pelvic thrust which makes you go insaaane!"   
  
"Let's do the time warp again?"  
  
"Gah"  
  
"Let's do the time warp again...wait…it didn't work!"  
  
I shrug, some people are too optimistic. I grab Rocky's hand and storm off into Eastern Non existence. I find a non existing book and sit Rocky Down  
  
"Rocky. I'm going to teach you to be a man. Because no one likes a beef cake who can't read the instructions of a…ehem nice little book like this."  
  
I hand him the Karma Sutra, my bible.  
  
"Oo!"  
  
And some people are just fascinated by bright colours and shiny objects. Rocky is just fascinated by explicit pictures. Not that I can say anything. Not that I would want to either. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality. I do it all thetime. By myself even. Though, it's much more fun when you have someone else to join you. Even more fun if that someone else brings a friend or two. Erm… not that I would know anything about that.   
  
Well there was that ONE time during the floorshow in the pool.  
  
Ah, the good times.  
  
_(AUTHOR'S COMMENTARY: The next chapter will undoubtedly be uploaded in good ol' West Virginia, home of my insta-cousins. Much love to the two people who reviewed me! LOVE YOU BOTH!) _


	4. Gasp! A Portal!

**_DISCLAIMER: You should know it by now_**  
  
Columbia has commenced to time warping until the point of exhaustion. Rocky and I just watch. I've said it before and I shall say it again. Some people are just to optimistic...  
  
"Frank! Rocky! Come quick I think it's working!!"   
  
"What?! You mean—"  
  
"Yeah! The time warp! It's working!"  
  
"God Bless Lily Saint Sin!"  
  
Rocky and I dash to where Columbia was dancing like a maniac. And there it was … a portal! Oh thank the heavens!  
  
"We're SAVED!" I shout out "Oh! Rocky! We're saved!"  
  
I grab Rocky and give him such a earth shaking kiss…oh I'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes. Columbia just stands there, looking much annoyed.  
  
"Erm…do you mind Columbia" I ask in between kisses  
  
"Do you? We need to get out of here"  
  
"Uraugh!"  
  
"See…Rocky wants to stay just a bit ooh! Rocky! Longer…"  
  
And just as things were getting all hot and bothered between Rocky and I, Columbia pried me off Rocky's marvelous, godly, beautiful body. Damn her! Damn that Groupie!!  
  
"We've got to go Frank"  
  
"Alright, fine. We're going"  
  
"Ugh!"  
  
Taking Rocky's hand into my left and Columbia's into my right,the three of us step through the portal, and suddenly it's so COLD! I, instinctly turn towards Rocky to cuddle and keep warm, but was shocked by what I seen. COLUMBIA! THAT WHORE! HOW DARE SHE!!! She and Rocky were doing some intense cuddling. A kind of cuddling that involved moaning and urgging.   
  
"Rocky?" I whisper  
  
"Urrm! EARRRMMM!"   
  
"Frank! Oh God Frank! He came on to me! I swear it!"  
  
My eyes well up with tears. The only two I had left in the world, exsisting and non, betrayed me. Why?!  
  
"As soon as this portal stops, Columbia you are fired and Rocky! You can go with her!" I yell, trying to pin back the tears. I wasn't supressing me tears to look manly you know, it would have ruined my mascara and my flawless make up.  
  
And letting them seeing me a mess, would just ruin my reputation. 


	5. Long Live the Corporation!

DISCLAIMER: As always. (Begins in a very boring, highly nasaly monotonic voice)These characters belong to Warner Brothers, and the Evil Ballerina has no control of them whatsoever. The Evil Ballerina is not being paid to write this fan fiction, but rather has no life and doesn't really have anything better to do. Ahem, now to today's chapter...(end of nasaly boring monotonic voice)  
  
Columbia and Rocky just stare at me in shock. Rocky's mouth agaping. Honestly Rocky, did I teach you nothing? IF you ever go in shock, do the swoon and gasp... wide open mouths are just invitations for ehem, foreign objects. And even HE should know that, certaintly by now. Gently but sternly I closed his mouth and just glared at them both.   
  
"As I said before, as soon as we find our way OUT of this portal, I never want to see your face AGAIN!" I scream and I thrust my hand towards the portal wall, only it went through...  
  
"um Columbia"  
  
"No. I'm fired remember?"  
  
"That's after we leave you stupid girl!"  
  
"Oh"  
  
"Columbia,,, is there something wrong with this picture?'  
  
"Your hand is through the portal, wait! Your hand!"  
  
I nod. I am beginning to think that all that tap dancing has befuddled her brain cells. Pity, she was such a smart girl. Columbia continues to screech about my missing arm, and Rocky is still just standing mouth agape. I roll my eyes and stick my head through the portal wall and (GASP) I see Transylvania! Home! But...everything has changed. Suddenly, I am being pulled back into the portal. I cough and sputter.  
  
"Frank?! Are you okay?''  
  
So it was Columbia who pulled me away, Damn her!  
  
"Yes, I'm fine! Just peachy."  
  
She stared at me blankly. "I don't believe you"  
  
I get up and primp my hair. THen I grab Columbia and push her head through the portal with her screaming  
  
"Frank! What are you doing? Are you crazy?"  
  
"Just shut up and LOOK!"  
  
"Oh God Frank...it's -it's...but it can't be"  
  
"It is" I say as we bring our heads back into the safety of the portal. "Sad isn't it?"  
  
So this is what Riff Raff and Magenta did. Turned my home, my beautiful planet into...incestious elbow sex driven Corporate executives! Oh they shall pay for this treason. They shall pay. 


	6. Random Flying Garterbelts

DISCLAIMER: Okay, on the last disclaimer I kinda sorta said that Warner Brothers owned the rights to Rocky Horror. Boy, was I wrong. Nope, it seems that 20th Century Fox does. So here I go... I Do not (despite being on my many birthday lists...) own these characters. So bear with me. Okay? Okay...  
  
A/N: This chapter is being written through the eyes of a random nameless worker in the Riff Raff Magenta corporation. Enjoy  
  
It was like any ordinary day in Corporate Transylvania, as I looked up into the beautiful smog coated sky. I was thinking about the day's busy schedule when I saw something ... out of place. Go right ahead, call the pysch ward (Genta knows I need a good decent vacation these days...) but I swear up nd down that first, a hand, and...and then two heads just poofed right in the middle of our nice bland greyish sky. I believe it was two women, but I'm not really sure. You see, the black haired one looked a little bit too masculine to be a girl, but quite charming in a quirky way.  
  
Sigh  
  
This is what happens on Mondays when the waitress gives me decaff... I always end up seeing things.  
  
Anyway, I continue walking towards the main building when Something fell out of the sky. Believe it or not, it was a sequined garter belt. I quickly hid it of course. You see, ever since our ruler rondez-vous with the planet Earth, such vanities have been forbidden to us. Can't blame them really  
  
Tacky things, Garter Belts. 


End file.
